It’s all-out battle as… no, that’s not right. Gaze in amazement as the Super… no, that’s not it, either. Marvel at — no, wrong company. This is DC.

Okay, look. Hawkman, Wonder Woman and Black Vulcan get sucked into a black hole and the team has to go rescue them. If it had been Robin instead of Wonder Woman, they probably wouldn’t have bothered. The trio ends up on a planet run by Toyman, gets hit by a giant pinball, gets chased by a giant toy cat, and gets rescued by Green SuperLanternMan. It’s pretty fucked up. Check it out.

Challenge of the Super Friends #3: Transcript

[Title Screen - Daniel Destroys Challenge of the Superfriends - Episode 3 - The World’s Deadliest Game]

Hey, I’m Daniel, and this is Daniel Destroys, episode #3: The World’s Deadliest Game!

We open, as always, with the Legion of Doom. Last time, it was Grodd that was bitching about the failure that it is the Legion, this time, it’s that pasty, undead swamp rat, Solomon Grundy.

Solomon Grundy: Solomon Grundy tired of stupid plans! Take care of Super Friends myself!

Lex Luthor: Silence!

This week’s evil plan is brought to you by Toyman, so you know it’s gonna suck.

But Brainiac is going to help, too. He has a magic gun, a tiny little thing, that somehow has enough juice to turn the entire planet invisible. Well, he’s Brainiac, we’re not smart enough to understand.

Meanwhile, at the moon

Black Vulcan (ugh) repairing a — hey, wait a minute! He’s not wearing a space suit! Neither is Hawkman or Wonder Woman – well, she’s got a fish bowl on her head. But that doesn’t really count. And how are they talking?

Well no matter. Time to head back to Earth, which, you’ll remember…

Hawkman: there’s no sign of the Earth…

…has disappeared. But things are about to get real exciting, because there’s a black hole, and they’re getting sucked right in!

Narrator: they are pulled through an incredible warp of light and dimension.

Light and dimension? In a black hole? You sure about that?

The trio lands on a planet that Toyman set up. I know, I couldn’t believe it, either. Toyman set them up in a big pinball machine, and cue the “we don’t know how to turn to the left” scene. The big ball is coming right at them, and they try run away from it, rather than duck to the side and let it pass. And don’t forget, these three all have super powers. It really shouldn’t be this hard.

Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice

The rest of the team learns that the trio got tricked by Toyman, and rather than laugh their asses off and leave ‘em to it, they decide to go rescue them. Conveniently, the Riddler shows up to feed them clues as to their whereabouts.

Robin the ‘leet hacker plugs the riddle into the computer and the machine spits out a print that tells Flash where they should start looking for their missing Super Friends.

Hey, nice tan.

The team takes off to rescue Hawkman, Wonder Woman, and Black Vulcan. Let me slow it down for you. Here they go: some unknown character in a blue cape – it’s not Batman – followed by Wonder Woman, followed by Black Vulcan, followed by Flash – who’s flying – and there’s Batman. 11 team members, 3 missing, they had 8 to choose from, and the animators still managed to screw it up.

Meanwhile, at the black hole in space

Wonder Woman: Great Goddesses, look! A giant dollhouse!

What, you didn’t notice it until you were standing right in front of it?

They head inside, contrary to any kind of rational thought, and are attacked by Toyman’s wind-up cat.

Wonder Woman: Quick, up those stairs!

What, the cat won’t follow you upstairs? If you’re wondering why they don’t just fly, Black Vulcan said this earlier in the episode:

Black Vulcan: It’s too hard to fly in this heavy gravity!

They can’t fly. Remember that.

Meanwhile, on a completely different planet

The search for their friends consists of a lot of standing around.

Hello, what have we here?

A race of space vixens? Right about now, Robin is silently begging to stay.

Vixen: I’m sure my girls can help you. Jana, Stenazi, Morengo.

That’s space vixenese for “off with your clothes”.

Unfortunately, the Super Friends all have severe allergies, and the space pollen begins to turn them to stone. Looks like Robin is going to get his wish, but not in the good way.

Only Flash is unaffected. He works a little Speed Force mojo and frees everyone.

Superman: Sorry to spoil your plans Empress!

Hey, where’d all the women go?

The team takes off to continue the search, which eventually leads them to the black hole.

Green Lantern, ever the egomaniac, says that only he and Superman can go into the black hole.

Superman: We’ll meet you back here, if we succeed.

And if we don’t, well, you’ll all die. See you later! Maybe.

Hey, there they are, that was easy. And now for one of the most bizarre moments of the show. In order to escape the black hole, Superman has to meld with Green Lantern. Black Vulcan, Hawkman and Wonder Woman – who can’t fly, remember? – will follow Green SuperLanternMan out.

Remember, they can’t fly. They CAN’T FLY.

Ah fuck it… whatever.

Well, that’s over with. The black hole collapses somehow, and it’s time to head home to Earth.

Meanwhile, at a small airport

The Legion, having gotten rid of the Justice League, has taken over… an airport. Shit, last time they took over Congress, this seems like a major step down.

Incoming!!!

And now, a *ahem* fight ensues. I know I cut a lot of stuff out for these little videos, but here’s really the extent of the fight scene. Superman wrecks public property for no good reason, Black Vulcan zaps the van that Riddler and Scarecrow are in, Hawkman grabs Toyman. That’s it. Captain Cold and Sinestro weren’t even there, so I don’t know why they’re in the pile-up at the end.

Hey, Black Vulcan got pants!

Brainiac: You forgot about my cloaking device that I used to make the Earth disappear.

Okay, that’s fine, but you’re just cloaked. You’re still there. You haven’t moved.

Superman: And next time, you won’t get away!

Yeah, they will. Count on it.

Reality Check.

Really can’t stress this enough. Just because someone’s a “super hero” doesn’t mean they can talk in space. Nobody, not the superest of super heroes, can talk in space because there’s no air to carry the sound waves. And yeah, they’d all be dead without pressure suits on.

The team faces the greatest threat to humanity and the planet Earth: themselves. Featuring massive worldwide destruction by Flash, Aquaman and Green Lantern. Oh, and there’s three-headed aliens. Transcript after the video and comments welcome.

The quality of the picture is a lot better than last week’s. Looks like I got it figured out. I’d love to hear from you – please leave comments here or at YouTube (commenting at YouTube helps me get more people watching – hint, hint).

Challenge of the Super Friends #2: Transcript

[Title Screen - Daniel Destroys Challenge of the Superfriends - Episode 2 - Invasion of the Fearians]

Hey, I’m Daniel, and this is Daniel Destroys, episode #2.

This is one of my favorite episodes just for the sheer absurdity of what both the Legion of Doom and the Super Friends do over the course of 22 minutes. The entire population of the planet should have died three or four times over… you’ll see.

We open with the Legion of Doom. Grodd is bitching that their little club is an epic failure, but then Luthor announces that Captain Cold, of all people, has a brilliant new plan.

Captain Cold: I’ve recently been in contact with the Fearians, an advanced civilization of beings from the planet Venus.

(laughter) Captain Cold! Not Luthor or Brainiac – fucking Bizarro would be more plausible than Captain Cold making contact with an alien race.

Here we see the Knights Who Say Nee. The Legion of Doom will be required to bring them a shrubbery.

The aliens explain that they want to invade and conquer earth, and the Legion is eager to help. The plan is set to unfold in stages, starting with Captain Icehole. He starts by freezing all of DC and New York.

Meanwhile at the Hall of Justice

Here we have Flash and Superman talking about Icehole.

Flash: If I turn up the satellite magnifier, I think you’ll see why…

That’s not how magnifiers work!

Flash goes out to take care of him, but Icehole escapes, naturally. So Flash does what Flash does best – he runs really fast and melts all the ice, somehow creating a lot of steam, rather than just big piles of water. This is gonna be a problem later… you’ll see.

Meanwhile at the Hall of Justice

We learn that the next part of the plan is about to unfold and it involves this guy… and this guy. Unfortunately.

Black Manta set fire to the ocean, and Aquaman heads out to deal with it. He uses the only power he has on this show to summon a few fish, including a pygmy killer whale, apparently. They somehow start a massive tidal wave that not only puts out the fire, it floods inland areas, killing millions of people. Go, Aquaman!

Meanwhile at the Hall of Doom

Toyman: Your sinister plan is working perfectly!

Captain Cold: It’s not how you play the game Toyman, it’s how you win.

Do you have any idea what you just said?

Well, the aliens are happy, and they’re almost ready to invade.

Fearian: So we can turn your Earth into Venus II

Electric Boogaloo.

Here’s the last part of the plan, and it’s actually one of my favorite parts of the entire series. Sinestro fired some comets at the Earth, but Green Lantern can’t stop them because they’re yellow for some reason. His big solution? Move the earth out of the way! Nevermind that moving the plant off its orbit would probably kill everyone on it!

Well, it seems to have worked. Big grin!

Back at the Hall of Justice, the team is starting to figure out that they’ve fucked up the planet. The steam that Flash created, the tidal wave that Fish Boy killed all those people with, Green Lantern moving the planet – the good guys managed to screw things up so royally, they might as well go home and call in the Teen Titans figure it all out.

Aquaman: It’s as if we’ve been responsible for what’s happening!

Yeah, it’s exactly like that!

Another of my favorite parts of the whole series. Batman is checking out the temperatures around the globe, and he’s got a gauge for USA, Russia, Taiwan and JERSEY.

The aliens are ready to attack, but first, they need to take out the entire Justice League. Shouldn’t be too hard. They tend to stand around in one place a lot, making them easy to capture. Plus, they love to talk. They’d much rather talk a villain into submission than actually do anything.

The aliens blow a soap bubble at the Leaguers, which proves to be impossible to break, thereby ensuring they all suffocate within minutes.

Robin: Holy impenetrability, we’ll never get out of here!

Meanwhile, in Congress

When you’ve got a fortress with all the tech you need, the first thing you want to do when you take over the world is move into Capital Hill.

Back at the Hall of Justice, Green Lantern has a tricky plan. He’s going to turn them all invisible. Easy enough. The aliens get word that the team is no longer in the bubble, so naturally, they head down to investigate.

Huh. Nobody’s here… you know what, let’s just turn off the bubble since clearly nobody’s in it. No sense in leaving it up.

What???

Rather than just stick ‘em in another bubble, the aliens decide to shoot Black Vulcan (ugh) with a gun. But Black Vulcan turns the beam back on the aliens. It works… and Green Lantern sends them back to Venus… where they will absolutely not plot revenge or relaunch the invasion.

The heroes figure they’ve got to put the earth back to the way it was, Superman uses his x-ray vision to evaporate water. Flash runs past some vines, apparently putting them into another dimension, and Green Lantern fucks with the earth’s orbit again.

Then it’s off to Congress to take down the Legion of Doom.

I’ll put my feet on the fuckin’ desk if I want to, I’m evil!

Aquaman found time to visit a tanning salon, apparently. And now a *ahem* fight ensues, largely consisting of things like Grundy carrying Superman to the back bedroom and Sinestro using his ring in ways that aren’t really supposed to be possible.

Don’t everybody move at once.

The good guys win, of course, and the bad guys escape, of course – using the escape rocket hidden in a box of hamdingers – I mean, in the dome of the capital. I mean, really? Seriously?

Superman: You’ll never escape justice as long as there are super friends!

Dude? They just did.

Reality Check.

This would never… ever… work. Ever.

It’s the first episode of Daniel Destroys! Woot! There’s a transcript after the video and comments are welcome.

I know that the video isn’t the highest quality – there’s some blockiness, some pixelation – but I know what I did wrong. I ripped the DVD at 320×240 rather than a higher resolution, and when I finalized it, I did so at 640×480. Not cool. But it would have been a week’s worth of work to redo the video at the proper size, so yer stuck with it. Next week’s will be significantly better looking.

Challenge of the Super Friends #1: Transcript

Hi, I’m Daniel, and this is the first of – hopefully – many installments of Daniel Destroys. Right out of the gate, credit where credit is due: I was inspired to do this by Ron “AAlgar” Watt’s similar treatment of the G1 Transformers series. Check out his YouTube channel, the address is right… down…. right about there on your screen. [youtube.com/user/aalgar]

When I was a kid in the late 70’s, my favorite show was Challenge of the Superfriends.

I don’t mean it was my favorite iteration of the Super Friends or that it was my favorite Saturday morning cartoon, I mean it was my favorite show on TV. I’m a geek going waaaay back, folks. This version of the Superfriends came out in 1978, when I was three and a half. All told, the various versions of Super Friends ran until 1984, when I was nine, so a large chunk of my childhood was spent with these characters.

So yeah, I’m a geek going way back. And thanks to the magic of DVD and the interwebs, I can relive those shows and pass them along to my kids… and make fun of them mercilessly.

So begins our journey into the Challenge of the Superfriends, starting with episode one.

[Title Screen - Daniel Destroys Challenge of the Superfriends - Episode 1 - Wanted: The Super Friends]

This being the first episode, we’re introduced to all the characters, roll call style, starting with the Legion of Doom. The announcer says that they were gathered from remote galaxies, but really, only Sinestro and Brainiac aren’t from Earth. Bizarro had his own planet, but he was created on Earth, so if we’re generous, we can say that three of the thirteen members came from “remote galaxies”.

Being bad guys, wrecking the office during a meeting is expected.

So, Lex Luthor has a brilliant invention, a device that will find the sleeping minds of the Super Friends and turn them into zombies that will go out and steal stuff. It’s a typical 70’s super villain plan. He shoots the beam at the floor and… apparently it goes and magically finds the heroes.

Clark Kent, Superman, taking a nap at work for some reason. He gets zapped, and heads off to Fort Knox to steal some gold.

The guards drop some yellow seran-wrap over a pile of gold, apparently the only gold they have, but Superman just walks in and punches through it. Blammo. And he picks it up… and there he goes.

Meanwhile, Batman and Robin are going to steal some money fresh off the printer at the US Mint. Batman feels that lassoing a cart is more efficient than simply pushing it, but while that’s happening, Robin cuts open a door with a fucking lightsaber! Okay, this was made a year after Star Wars hit it big, but come on, really? A lightsaber?

Flash steals some jewels, without breaking open the case they’re in, Black Vulcan (uuuggggh) steals some stuff from a pyramid, where all the best ancient treasures are just laying around. Wonder Woman flies into Paris and manages to lasso eight pieces of art off a wall.

Meanwhile at the Hall of Justice…

Hey everybody! What’d you guys get? Anything good? They figure out that they were all brainwashed into stealing shit, and for some reason But I Can Fly Guy – Hawkman – gets the big reveal: everything they stole fits into this little hole in the wall.

The cops call, because that’s what you do with criminals, and the team decides to turn themselves in, because, as Batman says, they have no choice.

Meanwhile, at the Police Department….

They put everyone in a cell right in the middle of the room, because… why not? The cops make them promise not to break out because– whoa, wait, holy shit, those aren’t cops! It’s Bizarro and Janky-Eye Cheetah. Rather than break out immediately, the team waits until Bizarro finishes his speech and activates a… device, I guess, that paralyzes them all. Then they get shot into space. In a metal cage. With open bars. Yeah. They all oughta be dead by now, except maybe Superman. Right towards the sun…

Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice…

The Super Friends didn’t lock the door on the way out, so the Legion of Doom just walked right in. Luthor overrides the computer – it must’ve been running Windows – and shoots a beam at the JLA satellite, which then shoots a beam at the whole planet and turns everyone into either a Bizarro or a Cheetah – complete with costumes. Because when you want to create a planet full of super criminals, you want them to be as backwardly-stupid as Bizarro and as underpowered as Cheetah.

All the clones, all six billion of them, I guess, start bringing loot to the Hall of Justice.

Meanwhile, at the metal cage in space…

The team bitches about how they’re about to die – about to die? All the ordinary humans should have died after leaving breathable air behind, but whatever. Superman spots a little rock somewhere nearby. Wonder Woman – suddenly can move! but decides to send her magic lasso down to the jets. She’s gonna try to steer them into the path of the rock; hopefully knock out that glowy thing so they can all escape.

Okay, well that worked. Superman’s gonna push them all back to Earth now, he’ll just pop right out, and – hey! Where is everybody? Did they all fall out or something?

So they go back to Earth, and Batman & Robin head back to the cave to figure out what’s going on with all the Bizarro clones. Bizarro-Alfred shows up and hits them with a tampon gun – ties ‘em up.

They manage to escape of course. They figure out that the JLA satellite has been compromised, and we’re gonna call up Superman to go up and fix it. He heads up to space, finds the satellite and fixes it by… rocking it… a bit… apparently. Well it seems to have worked because everyone gets turned back to normal.

Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice…

Okay guys, here’s the plan. We own the joint, and we could probably just use our key to get back in, but we’re going to make some Bizarro costumes and trick the Legion into letting us into the house. The Legion doesn’t seem to have caught on that Superman already turned everyone on the planet back to normal, but whatever.

They unmask, and a *ahem* fight ensues. The fight is basically a lot of posing, a lot of people standing around while other people tie them up.

Bizarro: You not get away now!

Robin: Holy metallurgy, Batman! We’re trapped!

Right. Luthor brought the dream device with him for some reason – Superman gets it and turns it on the Legion of Doom; brainwashes ‘em into thinking they’re criminals! That’s sure to work!

Batman: If it weren’t for some brilliant teamwork, the Legion of Doom might have ended the Super Friends.

And work it did, apparently, because the team–ah, shit, nope. They escaped. Luthor calls ‘em up to brag about it.

Superman: Give it up Luthor, you failed this time!

Actually, Supes, they escaped, so really, Legion: 1, Super Friends: 0. Good work.

Reality Check.

Metal cage + squishy bodies = dead superheroes. Batman, Robin, Flash, Hawkman, Samurai, Apache Chief – dead. It’s like the writers didn’t even try.