It’s the first episode of Daniel Destroys! Woot! There’s a transcript after the video and comments are welcome.
I know that the video isn’t the highest quality – there’s some blockiness, some pixelation – but I know what I did wrong. I ripped the DVD at 320×240 rather than a higher resolution, and when I finalized it, I did so at 640×480. Not cool. But it would have been a week’s worth of work to redo the video at the proper size, so yer stuck with it. Next week’s will be significantly better looking.
Challenge of the Super Friends #1: Transcript
Hi, I’m Daniel, and this is the first of – hopefully – many installments of Daniel Destroys. Right out of the gate, credit where credit is due: I was inspired to do this by Ron “AAlgar” Watt’s similar treatment of the G1 Transformers series. Check out his YouTube channel, the address is right… down…. right about there on your screen. [youtube.com/user/aalgar]
When I was a kid in the late 70’s, my favorite show was Challenge of the Superfriends.
I don’t mean it was my favorite iteration of the Super Friends or that it was my favorite Saturday morning cartoon, I mean it was my favorite show on TV. I’m a geek going waaaay back, folks. This version of the Superfriends came out in 1978, when I was three and a half. All told, the various versions of Super Friends ran until 1984, when I was nine, so a large chunk of my childhood was spent with these characters.
So yeah, I’m a geek going way back. And thanks to the magic of DVD and the interwebs, I can relive those shows and pass them along to my kids… and make fun of them mercilessly.
So begins our journey into the Challenge of the Superfriends, starting with episode one.
[Title Screen – Daniel Destroys Challenge of the Superfriends – Episode 1 – Wanted: The Super Friends]
This being the first episode, we’re introduced to all the characters, roll call style, starting with the Legion of Doom. The announcer says that they were gathered from remote galaxies, but really, only Sinestro and Brainiac aren’t from Earth. Bizarro had his own planet, but he was created on Earth, so if we’re generous, we can say that three of the thirteen members came from “remote galaxies”.
Being bad guys, wrecking the office during a meeting is expected.
So, Lex Luthor has a brilliant invention, a device that will find the sleeping minds of the Super Friends and turn them into zombies that will go out and steal stuff. It’s a typical 70’s super villain plan. He shoots the beam at the floor and… apparently it goes and magically finds the heroes.
Clark Kent, Superman, taking a nap at work for some reason. He gets zapped, and heads off to Fort Knox to steal some gold.
The guards drop some yellow seran-wrap over a pile of gold, apparently the only gold they have, but Superman just walks in and punches through it. Blammo. And he picks it up… and there he goes.
Meanwhile, Batman and Robin are going to steal some money fresh off the printer at the US Mint. Batman feels that lassoing a cart is more efficient than simply pushing it, but while that’s happening, Robin cuts open a door with a fucking lightsaber! Okay, this was made a year after Star Wars hit it big, but come on, really? A lightsaber?
Flash steals some jewels, without breaking open the case they’re in, Black Vulcan (uuuggggh) steals some stuff from a pyramid, where all the best ancient treasures are just laying around. Wonder Woman flies into Paris and manages to lasso eight pieces of art off a wall.
Meanwhile at the Hall of Justice…
Hey everybody! What’d you guys get? Anything good? They figure out that they were all brainwashed into stealing shit, and for some reason But I Can Fly Guy – Hawkman – gets the big reveal: everything they stole fits into this little hole in the wall.
The cops call, because that’s what you do with criminals, and the team decides to turn themselves in, because, as Batman says, they have no choice.
Meanwhile, at the Police Department….
They put everyone in a cell right in the middle of the room, because… why not? The cops make them promise not to break out because– whoa, wait, holy shit, those aren’t cops! It’s Bizarro and Janky-Eye Cheetah. Rather than break out immediately, the team waits until Bizarro finishes his speech and activates a… device, I guess, that paralyzes them all. Then they get shot into space. In a metal cage. With open bars. Yeah. They all oughta be dead by now, except maybe Superman. Right towards the sun…
Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice…
The Super Friends didn’t lock the door on the way out, so the Legion of Doom just walked right in. Luthor overrides the computer – it must’ve been running Windows – and shoots a beam at the JLA satellite, which then shoots a beam at the whole planet and turns everyone into either a Bizarro or a Cheetah – complete with costumes. Because when you want to create a planet full of super criminals, you want them to be as backwardly-stupid as Bizarro and as underpowered as Cheetah.
All the clones, all six billion of them, I guess, start bringing loot to the Hall of Justice.
Meanwhile, at the metal cage in space…
The team bitches about how they’re about to die – about to die? All the ordinary humans should have died after leaving breathable air behind, but whatever. Superman spots a little rock somewhere nearby. Wonder Woman – suddenly can move! but decides to send her magic lasso down to the jets. She’s gonna try to steer them into the path of the rock; hopefully knock out that glowy thing so they can all escape.
Okay, well that worked. Superman’s gonna push them all back to Earth now, he’ll just pop right out, and – hey! Where is everybody? Did they all fall out or something?
So they go back to Earth, and Batman & Robin head back to the cave to figure out what’s going on with all the Bizarro clones. Bizarro-Alfred shows up and hits them with a tampon gun – ties ‘em up.
They manage to escape of course. They figure out that the JLA satellite has been compromised, and we’re gonna call up Superman to go up and fix it. He heads up to space, finds the satellite and fixes it by… rocking it… a bit… apparently. Well it seems to have worked because everyone gets turned back to normal.
Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice…
Okay guys, here’s the plan. We own the joint, and we could probably just use our key to get back in, but we’re going to make some Bizarro costumes and trick the Legion into letting us into the house. The Legion doesn’t seem to have caught on that Superman already turned everyone on the planet back to normal, but whatever.
They unmask, and a *ahem* fight ensues. The fight is basically a lot of posing, a lot of people standing around while other people tie them up.
Bizarro: You not get away now!
Robin: Holy metallurgy, Batman! We’re trapped!
Right. Luthor brought the dream device with him for some reason – Superman gets it and turns it on the Legion of Doom; brainwashes ‘em into thinking they’re criminals! That’s sure to work!
Batman: If it weren’t for some brilliant teamwork, the Legion of Doom might have ended the Super Friends.
And work it did, apparently, because the team–ah, shit, nope. They escaped. Luthor calls ‘em up to brag about it.
Superman: Give it up Luthor, you failed this time!
Actually, Supes, they escaped, so really, Legion: 1, Super Friends: 0. Good work.
Metal cage + squishy bodies = dead superheroes. Batman, Robin, Flash, Hawkman, Samurai, Apache Chief – dead. It’s like the writers didn’t even try.